The 120 Days of Christmas?

Today I did my only day of Xmas shopping. I plan only to buy gifts for my wife Ashley, and I bought her exactly what she most wants. Three new video games for her new wii. I also stopped in at Suncoast, perhaps to find a gift for my mother-in-law, and saw that they were having a going-out-of-business sale. 40% off everything.

I haven't bought a DVD in ages, but I saw Salo in the foreign section and knew I had to get it. I clutched it to my breast to show off to everyone. Yet another Xmas gift for myself.

It's been a very interesting Xmas at the Knoecklein house. Helen bought Ash a wii and was fretting because she didn't know what to buy me like that. For she used to lavish all of her discretionary income on Jessica, and now she can't do that anymore. I moaned about it, for I so hate thinking about getting things for myself. But Ash pressed about it and I really gave some thought to what I might want for Xmas. The thought hit me suddenly: a drum machine, of course!

A few days more frenzied thought and discussion, and now we are here, the drum machine is on its way UPS! What exquisite excitement.

December 1

Well, I finished Nanowrimo with a somewhat impressive 33,000 words. Clearly I would have finished had it not been for the November 20th obstacle of my sister in law going into a coma. It took me a while to start writing again after that, understandably, and I am happy to say that I am now working regularly on the novel again, even if it's no longer as a part of this challenge. And I also must put the novel in 2nd priority behind my job search, since it has now been three months. Today I begin a new counteroffensive, or perhaps even a new campaign. All or nothing. Burning desire. Make it happen. My goal is 100 applications by the end of the month. And whatever networking I am able to do as well. I'm very worried. Ash and I both woke up this morning at 5:30 and had trouble returning to sleep. I hate it when that happens.

Day 4

Today there was no change in Jessica's status, but two very important things did happen. The first is that Ash saw her therapist. I don't know much about what they discussed, but she's taken on a calmer air since they met. He actually knows a lot about brain stem strokes, which are in fact the most serious kind of stroke. The second thing was that Dan, Steph and I began the project of clearning out her apartment. This apartment was so messy that no one had been allowed in for well over a year. I knew it was going to be bad, but there was no way to expect what I saw. It was gross and sad. I was glad that we were wearing masks so that Dan and Steph didn't have to see me in a permanent grimace. Her sink and counters were full of ancient dirty dishes. There was a plastic bin, full of dirty dishes. There were so many horrors and filthy abominations. The biggest mystery is a 25 lb bag of magnum lead shot.

I had started thinking I didn't need this blog, I was doing so well. I was writing every day, and I had more than 30,000 words until Friday, when my sister-in-law went into a coma. Since then, it's been a non-stop family emergency, and I haven't written a word of The Fire Demon. I'm at a crucial point in the book, so I'm hoping that when I start writing FD again I will find my practice again pure, which will be lovely. I have so much to say about all this, but need to write in smaller pieces as it's the only way I can see myself actually doing this. As of now, my sister in law is near death, and my wife's entire family is in town, and things are not looking good. I personally wasn't very close to Jessica. Ashley's relationship with her older sister Jess is strained, to say the least. I have so far been relatively calm, and I am hoping that I can use that calm to help out with my wife and her family.

Nano!

We'll it's Day 2 - I'm at 2500 words - and feeling more confident than ever before about the whole process. I participated in this in 2007 and 2008. Neither time did I get further than about 6,000 words before totally giving up. This year is much different. Everything is different.

Two Days Until November

Today I went to the NaNoWriMo site to update my info. I followed a link to something called a "Mary Sue Test" and decided to test out Anna Claudia. Turns out she's a total Mary Sue(49 of 50 points)! What the fuck? What's a Mary Sue? I went to wikipedia, and found the truth. A Mary Sue is a character that provides a wish-fulfillment for the author, and is thus completely tedious to any sane reader. This had me down for several hours. Why was I even writing this thing? I came up with a hundred reasons why they were wrong, and a hundred reasons why it didn't matter. I decided to take another Mary Sue test. She came up negative (4 of 50 points). Now the matter can rest.

Kritik of Positive Thinking

Last night's Daily Show featured Barbara Ehrenreich. We watched it this morning while Ash got ready for work, I mean school. She savages what she calls the Positive Thinking Movement, or so I understand. Ash loves this, but of course I wasn't hearing it. Positive thinking is the key to all self-help, and I love self-help. One of my favorite genres, and one that I would like to eventually contribute a book to. I've been thinking about the Positive Thinking Movement all day, The Artist's Way, I Deserve Love, Scott Adams, Napoleon Hill, 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself.

Today I touched my toes for the first time since I lost my job. I also did a headstand for the second time.

The Second Mile

After work yesterday I went to the Second Mile, our local thriftshop. We love the Second Mile. It's three storefronts on the same block, next to a dojo, an amazing falafel place, and an equally amazing Ethiopan restaurant. The Second Mile bookstore has been my favorite bookstore since I moved here in 2003. I go every week, and though I don't usually find anything, their stock moves quickly and there's always new books. They recently stopped pricing their books and now sell them all for $1 a pound. I guess it saves them the job of marking up all the books, many of which are completely worthless, and it means that almost all of the softcover books are practically free. I greedily snagged a pile of four little yellow German novels, The Girls Guide to Taking Over the World (a zine comp), and Susie Bright's Full Exposure. I've always like Susie, but haven't read an entire book by her. When I got home, I immediately knew I had something special, perhaps just because of the author's photo on the back cover. I've never fallen in love from a back cover author's photo before, but I know it happens - Truman Capote comes to mind.

I've read probably five pages, and I'm on the verge of discipleship.

Confidences on Tuesday

My marriage
My father
My cleverness
My wife's cleverness
Barack's confidence
Eckhart Tolle
Kate Bush
The Ninth

Fears on Tuesday

Paying for school
Talking to my Dad about money
Going to Connecticut
10-Yr High School Reunion
Having money this week
Ash's health
Pornography
Writing
Going in the wrong direction

Okay, now I'm getting deep into the Ninth. It's not a symphony, it's a black hole. As massive as a Mass.

I've rediscovered the first movement of the Ninth after listening to Leif Inge's 9 Beet stretch, at least the first thirty minutes of the 20+ hours. A wonderful piece that I hope to investigate more very soon.

Also contemplating Einstein's quote "God does not play dice with the universe" - didn't Niels Bohr win this argument? That's always been my understanding. So why would you quote the person who is wrong? I need to research this more.

These are the 20 most successful movies of the last ten years:

Star Wars and the Phantom Menace
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Spider-Man
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Finding Nemo
Shrek 2
Spider-Man 2
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Spider-Man 3
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Shrek 3
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Batman: The Dark Knight
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I've seen 14 of these movies. Of these, I probably hate 5 and love 0. The HP movies I always try to see. I wouldn't say that I love any of them, but I do honestly really enjoy them, and I see their purpose as illuminating the books, the way that so many of our classic stories have new editions with new illustrations. Perhaps my concept of "movies I love" is too narrow to include movies with this function. Similarly, the LOTR movies I saw in the theater and enjoyed all of them. I think their best feature is that the book series was considered so un-adaptable for so long. Now that they've been made into movies, we know that any book can.

Note that with the exception of Finding Nemo, these are all parts of series. There are no R-rated movies, obviously, and I would even go further and describe all of them as children's movies. Compare them to the biggest blockbuster that immediately precedes this list, Titanic, which is certainly an adult's movie, in fact it was a movie whose success was in large part due to old people. Titanic was made for adults, and I'm not even sure how much children can participate in it. These 20 movies, on the other hand, do not fail to excite adults, but are all made primarily for children. Children will watch them over and over, and moviemakers know this. It would be interesting to see how many of the tickets sold in the last ten years were to these 20 movies. Perhaps my definition of "children's movie" is also too narrow. Surely what people really want are "family movies" and aren't these family movies? Well yes, but is this the only way that a family can watch a movie together? Can families only agree on a movie if it is part of a big-budget comic-book series? Compare also to the biggest blockbusters of the pre-Jaws 70s: The Sting, the Exorcist, and the Godfather. Adult movies one and all.

We know people want expensive movies. And when you spend that much money, you need to guarantee that you will be able to make more than one movie out of it for the investment to be sound. It's also obvious that using pre-existing characters and stories is much safer than investing in something new that a screenwriter created.

I suppose none of these data are really surprising, except for just how homogenous the list is, how similar the movies are to each other. Barring a complete financial collapse of Hollywood, the trend is almost assured to continue. What I see is that Cinema is now interacting with us in profoundly different ways, and responding to much different desires. We want Cinema to revisit our childhood memories, our early hero-myths, to project these on the screen in full painted color. Either our real childhoods or our imagined or perhaps idealized childhoods. The movies of this list that most angered me were usually ones that I felt defiled my childhood, that fucked with it, that covered it in shit/money and then fed it back to me (Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Spider-Man).

I want to say it's Infantilized Cinema, and I wonder what the effects will be on those whose Actual Childhood is being formed by this canon.

I believe the writing process is working. Last night, as soon I got into bed, I had a flurry of ideas. I tried to scrawl them on a scrap of paper in the dark, but the ideas kept coming, so I had to go get my notebook from the living room. From now on, the notebook will come with me to bed, and I can only hope to be so fortunate as to need it every night.

Last night I had one of those "why am I doing this?" moments. Clearly I don't know what I'm doing, and the book is weak. In my head, in its inchoate form, the book is massive and daring and fun and wonderful, but every step I take toward nailing it down and making it real also makes it weaker, milder, and terminally boring.

How can I get invested into something that I don't know will be good?

Sitting down to write. Feeling very nervous. My conception of this book has changed since I last tried to write it, and some of the main parts no longer appeal to me. I think I must focus on the one story that truly interests me and see if the form of the whole thing fits, well actually I need to not worry about that at all, and just write the damn thing. I can't let the characters leave my head, which they will do if I leave them for more than a day.

Hello, my first readers, My name is Christopher David Maxwell von Bismarck Knoecklein. I've started this blog for writing when I want to procrastinate writing the book. I worked on this book very occasionally in 2006-2007. It is not a novel. I'm not sure what it is. An attempt, an essay, something to do. If it turns out to be shit, a future no one can demonstrably rule out, I will cannibalize the good parts into my next book, my first novel, which I will attempt for this year's NANOWRIMO.

I'm terrified, naturally. This blog is going to be a safe place I can return to when writing the novel scares me. I am deathly afraid of my brain, its powers, and their consquences. I'm also afraid of exposure, judgement, and the shame that publication of writing opens me to. You may scoff at a sentence like that, but then you probably are not familiar with my writing.

This is my third attempt to blog. The first, Future Mythologies, was fun and successful, so of course I ran screaming and abandoned her. There is a story here I'm not telling. One of most dire consequences, terrible fear and pain, and incredible humor. My Huckleberry Finn moment. Not a story for my inauguration of a safe place.

The second is Schopenhauer's Veil which is my online private diary. I hope that none of you can read it. If you can, then it's a security breach and my identity is not safe, so please contact me. I began it the same day as www.mamasalwayswrite.com, one of my favorite blogs, a coincidence that I take very seriously.

I hope to be writing a lot more to you very soon.

Good night.

Chris